Back to the good old days?

From cocaine toothache drops to weight-control tapeworms, Christmas firearms to vitamin-powered housewives, Editor of the Marketing Society, Elen Lewis, presents a selection of ads from the past that will never again see the light of day.

Lane Bryant: ‘Free for Chubbies’

Nowadays, plus-size clothing is sold by most fashion retailers, and for companies like Lane Bryant, it’s their bread and butter. Back in 1952, though, tactfully-worded ads like this one seemed more set on shaming consumers into submission than tempting them into buying.

Lloyd Manufacturing Co: ‘Cocaine Tooth Drops’

Well, it would certainly take your mind off the toothache. Sold over the counter until 1914, cocaine was found in everything from sexual health tonics to Coca-Cola, and its health benefits were given the thumbs-up by such luminaries as Thomas Edison, Sigmund Freud and Sarah Bernhardt. Good to see that Lloyd’s, in this 1900 ad, has at least flagged up the side effect of obsessive lolly-stick crafting.

Colt: ‘Isn’t it time you gave yourself a Christmas Gift?’

Christmas being traditionally a time for family arguments, what better present for the head of the house than a lethal weapon? Printed in 1939, during the Great Depression, Colt neglected to mention the gift’s potential returns for the cash-strapped family man: bank raids, kidnaps, train robberies…’

‘Sanitized Tape Worms’

'Easy to Swallow!' Just one of the many benefits of choosing tapeworms over exercise in the battle to lose weight. This less-than-appealing pre-war diet tactic gets mediaeval on excess flab with everyone’s favourite intestinal parasites. Still more enjoyable than detoxing.

Kellogg’s Pep: ‘So the harder a wife works, the cuter she looks!’

Straight out of Stepford, Kellogg’s appears to be advertising a fabulous hallucinogen that renders housework akin to a day-long massage. The suited, booted husband is understandably baffled at his wife’s freshfaced appearance after a day of chores. “Gosh, honey, you seem to thrive on cooking, cleaning and dusting, and I’m all tuckered out by closing time. What’s the answer?” “Vitamins, darling! I always
get my vitamins.” Vitamins indeed.

American Export Lines: ‘Every Voyage a Gay Cruise’

Sadly not a radically liberal 1950s holiday company, American Export Lines would no doubt rethink their wording for a 2013 audience.

Blatz Beer: ‘How Mother and Baby Picked Up’

An ‘appetizing, stimulating tonic’ for any new parent. Nowadays, drinking a case of Blatz Beer while in charge of a child would quickly see the newborn being taken into care. And that’s before he’s even had his share of the booze. It’s all thanks to the ‘essential’ nourishing qualities of the malt and the ‘stimulating tonic’ of the hops in the beer.